| Written by Ronnie |
Today I'm sharing something very special from my own memory box: a journal filled with letters that I started writing to Angus when I was five months pregnant with him. These letters are utterly precious to me because they are a testament to my love for both Angus and his older brother Cameron, whom we'd lost less than a year earlier. The pens featured in the photographs were kindly donated by Lamy, and there is a giveaway at the end of this post for those of you who are keen to create your own handwritten keepsake.
When I fell pregnant with Angus eight years ago, it was not even four months since we'd lost Cameron, our first son. Needless to say, those nine months were the most intense emotional roller-coast ride of my life. For the first time in my life, I learnt that grief and joy could co-exist side by side. Every day, I would rejoice and give thanks for the new life inside me. Every day, I would grieve and weep for Cameron. And every day, I would fear and worry that this new baby would die too.
As the pregnancy progressed, I began to feel the urge to document it in some special way. I had already been keeping a journal, into which I poured all my pain and sadness and grief over losing Cameron, but I wanted to create something separate to that. I wanted to create something just for Angus. Something that he could read and look back on when he was older - something that would give an accurate account of what my pregnancy with him was like, and something that would reinforce and make clear how much we loved him and how thankful we were to have him.
And so towards the end of my second trimester, I started a new journal. And in this journal, I wrote letters to Angus. I wrote about what we did. I wrote about how we were preparing for his arrival. I wrote about why mummy was sad and why mummy cried so much. I wrote about my love for him, and my love for his older brother Cameron. I wrote about how excited we were to have him join our family. I wrote about how scared I was that we would lose him too. But most of all, I wrote about my undying love for him, how I would lay down my life for him, and how I would never, ever take his life for granted.
I wrote letter after letter after letter. Even after Angus was born, I kept writing letters to him in this journal. I kept writing right up until he was eleven months, when we were just five months shy of welcoming his younger brother Pete into our arms. Today as I hold the journal in my hands and as I cast my eye over every one of the letters, I'm quite convinced that this was one of the most precious things that I could've done for our Angus.
I haven't given these letters to Angus yet, and neither have I decided when I'll do so. When the moment does come, whenever it might be, I already know that I will weep the same tears that I did all those years ago: tears of loss, tears of joy, tears of thankfulness, and tears of everlasting love.
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If you would like to create your own handwritten keepsake with the beautiful pens by Lamy featured in the photos above, simply follow us on Bloglovin or Facebook and leave us a comment below, telling us (in 25 words or less) what sort of keepsake you would create if you won. Make sure you include your name and email address in your comment. The lucky winner will win an AL-star fountain pen in graphite and a studio ballpoint pen in black. Entries close on Wednesday 6 April at 11.00pm EST (Eastern Standard Time).
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Congratulations goes to Giovanni Gasco for winning this giveaway! Lamy chose your entry and you are therefore the lucky winner of both the Al-star fountain pen and the studio ballpoint pen featured in this blog post. We will be in touch very shortly via email. Thank you to everyone for entering!